Learning is an easy part of life's daily challenges. It's easy to memorize and remember what you have learned. But the most challenging part is to put them into practice. The Lord revealed me that it will cost me my prayer life I am really determined to walk on His ways. He showed me all the things that I need to fix in my life... the very first major issue that i will have struggle to overcome is the dire burdens of my past...
I thought I was able to forgive, I thought I am ok and doing well.. But deep in my heart is a swelling wound that refused to be healed... every time i remember those persons who have hurt me on the past, my heart is screaming in paranoiac boiling fury... i know it was wrong.. but God's grace and revealed it to me so I can deal with it.. it was continuously bruised and broken by the same situation yet different persons...
For the past few years I faced the cruel ways of rejection from my own family, some of my peers way back in my college life, my exboyfriend and his mother... I came to accept the fact that no one will ever learn to love me. THEY HATE ME! that's all i know. So what? I am soooo tired pleasing them hoping that they will know the good side of me. to no avail! i always end up being rejected, ignored, and condemned. all the more i discovered that I was badly beaten, broken, and torn apart. My soul was paralyzed in deep hurt and numbness.
I still experience them even I belong now to a Christian community. and im just used to the old systems-- i've handled rejections again, adjusting to the people who never liked me. This time, God taught me a new approach. He taught me to respond in a positive way. It's really hurting to be rebuked and corrected and it's even more hurting to be judged for who you are not...
God is teaching me how to be strong, to struggle for Him, because He is with me on every battle I am facing right now. I have my greatest armor now: His LOVE... i can come to Him no matter how many times I failed. I know when everybody hates me, Someone is loving me and accepting me unconditionally. God is just asking me to trust Him and draw closer to Him.
When I prayed last night, I came to Him wounded but He reminded me that i was healed through His wounds.
I can't explain nor describe the value of grace and forgiveness God has given me. It's one of the greatest experesion of His love. He will be there, and He will let me win on my battle.
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