I don't know just how many million times that I've lost the battles that I have been struggling to fight for years... It's still the same... Losing over and over again but the Lord is the One who doesn't get tired of fighting the battle for me when I don't have the strength. It's been more than a decade and it seems no growth is happening. I will win at some time then I lose again, the rally of winning and losing but I hardly recall the times that I have won. The voices of despair and discouragement easily cripple my will to keep on going as fighting and moving will yield the same result: a path of a crushing dust of defeat.
It was a few years ago it's the same thing. I don't have the energy to fight anymore. It's impossible! I am so ashamed to God that after saving me, all I gave was nothing but a heartache and headache. I am so alone in a wild dessert and I don't have the strength to keep going. I've lost counts on how much I even pleaded God to just kill me and end my misery. For how many years, I spent my night drenching my pillow with agonizing tears. Guilt, shame, despair, emptiness, anger-- I hated myself more than anyone else in the world- more than people used to hate me. So I am not surprised if people would misunderstand me, expecting to hear things you don't even want to hear. Have I gotten used to it?
Many people would think I am strong. Am I? Lol! Hell yeah! Or maybe I was just too good of wearing a mask- pretending that I am perfectly fine-- that I am mature enough to handle problems logically but the truth is, I am pathetically struggling to live. I am dying inside. I can hear a thousand screaming voices in my head to end my existence. "Just die! Die! Die! You useless piece of trash! You're such a shame!" It's not the death I a scared with. It's the process of dying. Will I drink poison? Will I jump on a building? Nah! That's just way too scandalous. Shall I just commit seppuku (according to google, a form of ritual suicide that originated with Japan's ancient samurai warrior class)? Nah! I don't deserve such honorable death either! Lol! I was like a living dead and no one knows about it. I was just too good of hiding it with the kind of strong personality I have. Guess it's an advantage for me.
It was the grace of God who gave me the strength to fight. With my strength, it's impossible to win. I was even fighting with God and my soul is shouting "let me go! just kill me already!!! I cannot be restored anymore! I am beyond saving!! Just kill me!!!!!". Guilt, shame,-- and hate... That's how I feel for myself. But the peace and comfort of God pacified my distorted and raging soul. Then He reminded me of His promise "my grace is sufficient, for my power is made perfect on your weakness."
I was too weak, but God in me is strong. I realized that I am fighting with my strength and I was stubborn and prideful for not asking help when it was the right thing to do. The Lord gave me the strength I never could have imagined. I was reminded by His promise that nothing shall separate us from the love of the Lord. I will be forever thankful to the Lord that He did not give up on me. Everything that I am now, it is all because of His amazing grace. Everything about me is the Lord's amazing miracle.
I can't help but look back on how I was before. Right now, I am facing the same wall of defeat, the same wall of challenge but I decided to simply continue to fight and not give up. I am fighting in victory and not for victory. I felt that the Lord is no longer with me but I know that it's not true. The Lord wants me to keep on going and fight. I need to be strong because after all the Lord is with me. He just wanted to stand firm on my position.
We are no longer in the last days. We are in the last hour where we need to keep watch that Jesus may come anytime and we have to be prepared for it. I feel that I am on the same losing battle but I just need to get up and start again. I will not allow the enemy to steal my crown in heaven. The Lord designed me to be victorious in Jesus. Therefore, I don't have the reason to give up and stay defeated.
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