Philippines-- The SALVATION CAPITAL

This was my dream a couple of days ago-- The Philippines will be a salvation capital of the world. Not only that more and more Filipinos will be saved but the Lord will use our country in mobilizing the mission and churches all over the world. 

The pandemic will not hinder the Filipinos from spreading the gospel all over the world. It encourages me to know that there the churches are continuously reaching out not just in our local community but in other countries as well using the technology and social media.  

This is no longer surprising but I know that the Lord wants to maximize the Filipinos in sending more missionaries around the world while simultaneously doing a church planting anywhere in the Philippines. 

During this pandemic, I had to admit that I am also experiencing metals stress, once in a while I will be distracted with what is going on. But the Lord is consistent on reminding me to go back to my original purpose which is sharing the gospel to the rest of the world. 

I know that the Lord will continue to use our country in sending the message of hope around the world-- which is Jesus Himself. Just like how Isaiah responded to the Lord. We are willing to be sent out anywhere in the world to preach the gospel. 

The beginning of my devotion journey with the Book of Isaiah

 

I am really in struggle reading the Book of Isaiah. I just finished the book twice this year . This is the third time He asked me to read it. 

I really suffered in trying to unravel the mysteries of the book and I realized that I am completely lost. I still need to compile the reflections I have and I have to watch videos from youtube in order for me to learn. It's really such a shame to depend on commentaries. Don't get me wrong, I know that the Holy Spirit is there to guide me but it is also a prompting coming from Holy Spirit that I really need to study. I need to know the historical background and context in light of our current situation most especially in our country.

During the pandemic, I had more time to watch the news and know the latest updates about the corona virus. I had hope that this will just last in one or two months. How naive of me! The more I prayed to ask God to finally eradicate this virus, the more I grew impatient and I get discouraged. It's such a shame to admit that at some point I gave up. 

I literally stopped praying. And sometimes, I prayed out of obligation. No passion at all. It's really such a shame. I got badly hurt and defeated in battles that I tried to fight on my own. 

I am getting up. I have to. 

And I start reading again the Book of Isaiah.. I need to learn more. And I need to keep records of all the reflections in relation to the present situation of our country. 

If we are sensitive, this pandemic is a wake up call for us. For generations, it is always a heart cry of the Lord that His people with return to Him. 

He wants His people in the Philippines and the rest of the countries of the world to to turn back to Him. The days are getting worse. The humanity is always at lost with sins. Even the elected are falling away while some are sleeping. 

But nothing is impossible with God. As long as we dropped our pride and bring down our knees to repentance, the Lord will heal and restore us. 

In the Philippines, the government is full of corrupt and greedy leaders that oppressed the people. The corruption is deep seated that it will take I think decades before we can fully eradicate it. But the Lord remind me of His word is Isaiah 1:18

. 

The restoration will take some time but I know that the Lord is working behind the scenes. The changes already started and He will show even more. The Lord have me a deeper meaning on this verse. He will restore my country. 

This is just the start. There are still more to unravel on His word in the Book of Isaiah... 

How I Cope with Depression During Pandemic

 I have always wanted to start something. I wanted to write. But I am quite stuck up and don't know where and how to start. 

But I guess I just need to write whatever that comes in my mind. No topics. Just pure thoughts I need put in paper. 

I've been wanting to serve as the salt and light on earth most especially in this time of pandemic. Mental stress, anxiety and depression is inevitable. All of us are vulnerable. You are and I are not exceptions. 

So I ask myself.. Did I do something to combat depression and mental stress that I think will help others? 

I guess I had to record the obvious symptoms that I am experiencing depression and anxiety. Most of the time I would rather feel useless, all of  a sudden get frustrated over nothing. I fear the future on what is going to happen to me, thinking, what if one of these days I will get sick? Sometimes, I just felt that I want to be alone, don't want to talk, and just want to listen to music all night long. But I am a Christian right? Even a follower of Jesus is not invincible. However, I would say that having faith in Jesus is a huge factor that you will eventually overcome depression and anxiety. 

Here are some practical ways that I thought helped me go over with it. I'm struggling to have it from to time to time... I learned that no matter how hard you struggle, you have an option to fight it out. It's really a tough battle. But I trust that the LORD is fighting for me. 

.1. Prayer. Nothing beats prayer. I still struggle to pray, but prayer is the best medicine. 

2. Worship. Listening to worship songs easily energize and nourish my soul. It reminds me that God is in control of the situation and I will be reminded that God is bigger than our problems. 

3.  Talk to my few trusted friends. Sometimes, letting it out is also a struggle because we are afraid that we will be judged. But asking help from your friends whom you know will encourage and lift you up will give you strength.

4. Picture throwback. This is not really a popular method because having pictures that brings back good memories will trigger your depression, thinking on how you wish you could go back to the past. It maybe a double edged sword but for me, it helps me to feel even more blessed, appreciating the things I have. 

5. Reading the Bible. The Lord's promises are in the Bible. Whenever I feel discouraged, I will ask the Lord to reveal his word to me. Whenever I struggle to read the bible, I will listen to audio Bible or listen to podcast. 

6. Write journal. This is specially effective if you really don't have the energy to talk to someone but you're on your limit to hold back. Let your mind run wild with no inhibitions through writing. Nobody knows it except God, you, and your journal. 

7. Ask others to pray for you. It's ok to say it on facebook "can you pray for me because I am not ok?" But if you think you don't trust your friends in FB, then don't do it. 

8. Reach out to someone who is in need. I know you are having troubles on your own, but sometimes, you will feel refreshed and inspired when you encourage someone even yourself needs to be encouraged as well. 

9. Reduce your time in social media most specially facebook. Unless you've unfollowed and unfriended your toxic fb friends, they will be a major source of your depression. Don't get too consumed. 

I would suggest also that you go out, read your favorite books, watch or re-watch your favorite movies. I sometimes do this to cope. 

The Decision to Fight, Giving Up is Not an Option

 

I don't know just how many million times that I've lost the battles that I have been struggling to fight for years... It's still the same... Losing over and over again but the Lord is the One who doesn't get tired of fighting the battle for me when I don't have the strength. It's been more than a decade and it seems no growth is happening. I will win at some time then I lose again, the rally of winning and losing but I hardly recall the times that I have won. The voices of despair and discouragement easily cripple my will to keep on going as fighting and moving will yield the same result: a path of a crushing dust of defeat. 

It was a few years ago it's the same thing. I don't have the energy to fight anymore. It's impossible! I am so ashamed to God that after saving me, all I gave was nothing but a heartache and headache. I am so alone in a wild dessert and I don't have the strength to keep going. I've lost counts on how much I even pleaded God to just kill me and end my misery. For how many years, I spent my night drenching my pillow with agonizing tears. Guilt, shame, despair, emptiness, anger-- I hated myself more than anyone else in the world- more than people used to hate me. So I am not surprised if people would misunderstand me, expecting to hear things you don't even want to hear. Have I gotten used to it? 

Many people would think I am strong. Am I? Lol! Hell yeah! Or maybe I was just too good of wearing a mask- pretending that I am perfectly fine-- that I am mature enough to handle problems logically but the truth is, I am pathetically struggling to live. I am dying inside. I can hear a thousand screaming voices in my head to end my existence. "Just die! Die! Die! You useless piece of trash! You're such a shame!" It's not the death I a scared with. It's the process of dying. Will I drink poison? Will I jump on a building? Nah! That's just way too scandalous. Shall I just commit seppuku (according to google, a form of ritual suicide that originated with Japan's ancient samurai warrior class)? Nah! I don't deserve such honorable death either! Lol! I was like a living dead and no one knows about it. I was just too good of hiding it with the kind of strong personality I have. Guess it's an advantage for me. 

It was the grace of God who gave me the strength to fight. With my strength, it's impossible to win. I was even fighting with God and my soul is shouting "let me go! just kill me already!!! I cannot be restored anymore! I am beyond saving!! Just kill me!!!!!". Guilt, shame,-- and hate... That's how I feel for myself. But the peace and comfort of God pacified my distorted and raging soul. Then He reminded me of His promise "my grace is sufficient, for my power is made perfect on your weakness."

I was too weak, but God in me is strong. I realized that I am fighting with my strength and I was stubborn and prideful for not asking help when it was the right thing to do. The Lord gave me the strength I never could have imagined. I was reminded by His promise that nothing shall separate us from the love of the Lord. I will be forever thankful to the Lord that He did not give up on me. Everything that I am now, it is all because of His amazing grace. Everything about me is the Lord's amazing miracle. 

I can't help but look back on how I was before. Right now, I am facing the same wall of defeat, the same wall of challenge but I decided to simply continue to fight and not give up. I am fighting in victory and not for victory. I felt that the Lord is no longer with me but I know that it's not true. The Lord wants me to keep on going and fight. I need to be strong because after all the Lord is with me. He just wanted to stand firm on my position. 

We are no longer in the last days. We are in the last hour where we need to keep watch that Jesus may come anytime and we have to be prepared for it. I feel that I am on the same losing battle but I just need to get up and start again. I will not allow the enemy to steal my crown in heaven. The Lord designed me to be victorious in Jesus. Therefore, I don't have the reason to give up and stay defeated. 

 Who am I in Christ vs Who am I in the world?

Nowadays, beauty is purely defined by what our physical eyes can see. The voice of the world speaks so loud in our mind and listening to every single voice could be damn overwhelming. People will always just what they see. People will always say what they want to say regardless if their words will make or break a soul. 

I grew up being hated, enduring the criticism of other people without even trying to get to know me. I would always try my best to reach out to let them know there's more to know than me but I ended up being rejected. It came to a point that I just grew tired and simply don't care anymore. You hate me? So be it. I don't know whether I will hate myself for it and I don't even know whether it's a good and bad thing for me. The world is full of deception. And listening to the voice of the world of what you should be will really drag you to the core.

When the Lord found me, it took me sometime to accept His unconditional love. Always feeling that I will never be enough and will never be good enough. Well, that's what conditional love is all about. When I am with Him, I feel that I could always be vulnerable, no hiding of my feelings and even if I do, He will show me that He knows me more than I know myself. He loves me just the way I am. He always make me feel like I am the most beautiful and most adorable person in the world. 

He is the One who assures me that I am loved. 

He supports and encourages me when I am in despair.

He always saves me when I messed up. 

He guides when I lost my way.

He always initiates reconciliation when I deliberately runaway from Him when I sinned.

He never let go of my hand even though I tried to take my hands from His grip not just a hundred times, not a thousand times, but a million times. 

The fact that I am able to write this is a proof. 

In this world, others are better than I am. But God said, "You are the best!"". 

In thIs world, I am ugly and rejected. But God said "You are beautiful and you are accepted."

In this world, I am useless and powerless. But God said "I will use you for My glory."

It will always take some discipline not to be distracted by the voice of the world. Everyday is a struggle who do you need to listen to. We have an option. The world is our enemy and the only option that we have is to fight. We can always choose the option of listening to the voice of God. The voice of truth, and the voice of this world.